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I'm Just a Bad Boy: A Fake Memoir

Max "Bunny" Sparber tells the story of his life, and every word of it is a lie.
Bunny Reading

The Jet Pack Tour

Max "Bunny" Sparber uses a small, portable jet pack to visit many of the great landmarks in the world.
Jet Pack

The World of Sailor Martin

Songs, short stories, and miscellany from a bawdy tattooed Sailor Puppet.
Sailor Martin

The Films of William Shatner

Reviews of the strange and obscure films William Shatner made in the 60s and 70s.
Sailor Martin

The Plays of Max Sparber

Original playscripts by Max "Bunny" Sparber, available for download.
Sailor Martin

Plastic Paddy


Max "Bunny" Sparber establishes, at age 41, that he is an Irish-American, and sets out to explore what this means.

Bits and Pieces


Bunny Sparber spends a year at the Walker Art Center, Minneapolis's contemporary art museum; an experiment in new forms of arts criticism.

Tulip


Max "Bunny" Sparber documents the process of writing a one-man show about performer Tiny Tim, including posting his rough scratch demo recordings of original songs, his early drafts of the script, and his research for the project.

The World of Sailor Martin


A free full-length album of original music by America's favorite drunken sailor puppet, available for download here. Songs include "Pour Me Another Box of Wine," "One Million Frogtown Whores," and "Why Are Women So Afraid of Seamen?"

BUNNY CHARM SCHOOL

11:51 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses


MAX "BUNNY" SPARBER attempts to teach himself to be the most charming Bunny on earth through a self-invented finishing school focusing on personality, grooming, diction, and smiling a lot.

INTRODUCTION: In which Bunny introduces the idea of charm, why he may be charm-impaired, and the steps he plans to take to release his inner Cary Grant.



HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE
Bunny begins his program with Dale Carnegie's classic guide to interpersonal relations.

OVERVIEW

FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
1. DON'T CRITICIZE, CONDEMN, OR COMPLAIN
2. GIVE HONEST AND SINCERE APPRECIATION
3. AROUSE IN THE OTHER PERSON AN EAGER WANT

SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
1. BECOME GENUINELY INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLE
2. SMILE
3. REMEMBER PEOPLE'S NAMES
4. BE A GOOD LISTENER
5. TALK IN TERMS OF THE OTHER PERSON'S INTERESTS
6. MAKE THE OTHER PERSON FEEL IMPORTANT

HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
1. AVOID ARGUMENTS
2. NEVER SAY "YOU'RE WRONG"
3. IF YOU ARE WRONG, ADMIT IT QUICKLY AND EMPHATICALLY
4. BEGIN IN A FRIENDLY WAY
5. GET THE OTHER PERSON SAYING "YES, YES" IMMEDIATELY.
6. LET THE OTHER PERSON DO A GREAT DEAL OF THE TALKING
7. LET THE OTHER PERSON FEEL THAT THE IDEA IS HIS OR HERS
8. TRY HONESTLY TO SEE THINGS FROM THE OTHER PERSON'S POINT OF VIEW
9. BE SYMPATHETIC WITH THE OTHER PERSON'S IDEAS AND DESIRES
10. APPEAL TO THE NOBLER MOTIVES
11. DRAMATIZE YOUR IDEAS
12. THROW DOWN A CHALLENGE

BE A LEADER: HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENSE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT

1. BEGIN WITH PRAISE AND HONEST APPRECIATION
2. CALL ATTENTION TO PEOPLE'S MISTAKES INDIRECTLY
3. TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN MISTAKES BEFORE CRITICIZING THE OTHER PERSON
4. ASK QUESTIONS INSTEAD OF GIVING DIRECT ORDERS
5. LET THE OTHER PERSON SAVE FACE
6. PRAISE THE SLIGHTEST IMPROVEMENT AND PRAISE EVERY IMPROVEMENT. BE "HEARTY IN YOUR APPROBATION AND LAVISH IN YOUR PRAISE."
7. GIVE THE OTHER PERSON A FINE REPUTATION TO LIVE UP TO
8. USE ENCOURAGEMENT. MAKE THE FAULT SEEM EASY TO CORRECT.
9. MAKE THE OTHER PERSON HAPPY ABUT THE THING YOU SUGGEST

THE LOST CARNEGIE CHAPTERS
POSTMORTEM



ELEMENTS OF CHARM

SMILE, DARN YOU, SMILE
REMEMBERING PEOPLE'S NAMES



ETC.

FIVE SUBSTITUTES FOR CHARM: There are a few things that will make you instantly appealing to a lot of people, but this may not be a good thing.

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THE WORLD OF SAILOR MARTIN

11:15 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses


INTRODUCTION: An introduction to Sailor Martin, an unspeakably vile pierced and tattooed ventriloquist dummy who has starred in a series of remixes of old public domain films and songs.

THIS IS SAILOR MARTIN


Launching laugh-laden rockets filled with laughing gas, Sailor Martin presents his first complete album of original songs! 15 melodies to delight the ear and shock the squares, comprising 30 minutes of mirthful melodies -- all for free download!

Click here to learn more about or download individual songs.

This Is Sailor Martin includes:

1. The Power of Alcohol
2. I Married Her For Her Money (She Married Me For My Lies)
3. I'm Hard On Her But She's Down On Me
4. I'm Not As Drunk As You Am I Think
5. It's Hard For Me To Enjoy It When You Sit On It
6. If This Bed Could Talk
7. Horrible Things What Live in the Sea
8. Why Are Women So Afraid of Seamen?
9. If You Don't Want a Razor Fight
10. You're So Boring Here
11. One Million Frogtown Whores
12. The Twitch
13. You Homo-Loving Commie Sons of Guns
14. Cell Block Number Four
15. Pour Me Another Box of Wine

Download the entire album as a zipped 64 MB file.


THE FILMS OF SAILOR MARTIN

AS BOYS GROW WITH SAILOR MARTIN: Sailor Martin teaches a sex education class. Badly.
BEAST OF THE TOKYO BATHHOUSE, PART 1: Sailor Martin is seduced by a strange woman and injected by a strange doctor in the first part of an incomplete full-length film project.
THE BIG ONE WITH SAILOR MARTIN: It's the end of the world as we know it and Sailor Martin feels amorous.
CHRISTMAS CHEER: Sailor Martin sings of drunken debauchery on Christmas eve, and his song is illustrated by snippets from strange old cartoons.
DON'T SPREAD GERMS: Sailor Martin learns how to properly use a handkerchief.
THE FLYING SAUCER WITH SAILOR MARTIN: The trailer for an old science fiction film starring a pierced and tattooed puppet.
LET'S GET DRUNK WITH SAILOR MARTIN: Sailor Martin teaches basic mixology, and later goes for a drive.
LIQUOR BY THE DRINK: A PSA from 1978 in which Sailor Martin attempts to encourage voters to drink and drive.
PEEPING TOM'S PARADISE: Sailor Martin looks through a keyhole, and likes what he sees!
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM SAILOR MARTIN: VD is for everybody.
SAILOR MARTIN IN POLICE TROUBLE: Sailor Martin finds himself on the wrong side of the New Orleans police department after a shoplifting spree.
SAILOR MARTIN IN SOMEBODY'S CRAZY: Sailor Martin finds himself institutionalized, and discovers there is a lot to like in the insane asylum.
A TYPICAL NIGHT WITH SAILOR MARTIN: Sailor Martin entertains guests.
WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARTY WITH SAILOR MARTIN: Sailor Martin is invited to, and ruins, a teen party.

IRISH SONGS

WHO'S GOT THE NERVE: Sailor Martin wants to have a proper St. Patrick's Day Parade.

THE WORLD OF SAILOR MARTIN

(A GLASS OF) CHRISTMAS CHEER: Sailor Martin sings his version of a Christmas song, which involves drunken debauchery.
ARAM'S CONCUBINES: Sailor Martin battled a lusty sheik in a foreign harem.
BUY ME SOME GIN: The lost Sailor Martin song -- a bawdy tale of alcohol and women discovered on a very old video recording from New Orleans.
THE EDINA SCREAMER: Sailor Martin introduces a new cocktail, based around the sexual behavior of middle aged women in a Minneapolis suburb.
JOLIE MARIE'S STOCKINGS: Sailor Martin sings of a French girl and a gift she gives him to remember her at sea.
LITTLE EGYPT: Sailor Martin sings of an exotic dancer from the Middle East.
SAILOR MARTIN'S SHIPWRECKED SONG: Sailor Martin washes up a beach where tiny and possibly edible people come to his rescue.
A SAILOR MARTIN SONG FOR CHILDREN: Sailor Martin attempts, and fails at, recording a song for children about pretty birds and fuzzy rabbits.
THE SONG OF SAILOR MARTIN: Sailor Martin's theme song, telling of a island hut, a bottle of rum, and some naughty stories.
A ST. PAUL CHRISTMAS: A melancholy Christmas song from a lonely sailor far from the sea but close to the saloon.

BAR JOKES

BAR JOKES WHAT I LIKE #1: A tale of high seas cannibalism.
BAR JOKES WHAT I LIKE #2: A tale of high seas piracy.
BAR JOKES WHAT I LIKE #3: A tale of whales and their drinking habits.







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    THE ODD INGESTER

    10:53 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses

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    SELF-HELP

    10:16 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 1 Response
    101 THINGS IN 1001 DAYS: Max "Bunny" Sparber's list of what he'd like to achieve in just under three years.

    AMERICAN BADASS: Max "Bunny" Sparber attempts to teach himself to be a tough guy.

    BUNNY CHARM SCHOOL: Max "Bunny" Sparber tries to discover his inner Cary Grant through a self-created finishing school.

    ROCK STAR SKINNY: Max "Bunny" Sparber tries to strip all the fat off his body through a succession of questionable diets.

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    ORIGINAL WRITING

    9:52 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses
    ORIGINAL stories, plays, music, and other writing by Max "Bunny" Sparber.

    FICTION:

    I'M JUST A BAD BOY, A FAKE MEMOIR: Max "Bunny" Sparber tells stories from his life, and every one of them is a lie.

    TALES OF TOM HOPPER: Episodes from the life of a three-legged cat, the library he lives in, and the other animals he meets.


    THEATER AND FILM:

    THE PLAYS OF MAX SPARBER: Original plays by Max "Bunny" Sparber.

    THE LOWEST CONCEPT FILMS EVER WRITTEN: Original screenplays by Max "Bunny" Sparber.


    MUSIC:

    OLD SONGS: Songs written by Max "Bunny" Sparber between 1986 and 2003.

    NEW SONGS: Recently written songs by Max "Bunny" Sparber.

    THE DREXEL DEMOS: A collection of country-blues and folk-blues by Max "Bunny" Sparber.


    POETRY:

    DOGGEREL MAGAZINE: Max "Bunny" Sparber's short-lived e-magazine of bawdy poetry.

    NEWSPAPER DOGGEREL: Short poems about current events.

    BUNNY'S GARDEN OF VERSES: Poetry for children by Max "Bunny" Sparber.

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    101 THINGS IN 1001 DAYS

    9:36 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses
    101 THINGS IN 1001 DAYS



    From:
    Sunday, February 1, 2009

    To:
    Sunday, October 30, 2011

     

    Italics are in progress

    Strikeout are complete



    HEALTH AND WELLNESS
    (9 items, 2 completed)

    Get a tetanus shot (Completed 01.22.09)

    Get new glasses and prescription (Completed 03.13.09)

    Lose 64 pounds (29/64)

    Get a physical

    Walk 1000 miles (115/1000)

    Be able to do 25 pull ups

    Figure out how flexible I want to be; achieve that

    Floss 500 times (115/500)

    Do 10 exercise programs to completion (0/10)



    ORGANIZATION (9 items, 1 completed)

    Organize iTunes files

    Go through all my stuff, get rid of all unwanted items 5 times (0/5)

    Organize my desk 30 times (2/30)

    Put all of my DVDs into CD cases

    Make the bed 500 times (115/500)

    Organize all files on my computer 5 times (1/5)

    Organize all my photographs (completed 2.04.09)
    Back up all files to online storage

    Inventory all possession, put online with approximate replacement value

    Do dishes 250 times (5/250)




    PROFESSIONAL (11 items, 2 completed)

    Apply for film and theater critics association

    Update all resumes, post online (Completed 01.27.08)


    Learn XHTML and CSS

    Learn Drupal

    Attend 10 conferences for online professionals (1/10)

    Update info on online professional sites

    Subscribe to 20 blogs about my fields (28/20) (completed 01.22.09)

    Pitch three play ideas to History Theater (0/5)

    Send off 50 poems to newspapers

    Send off 30 short stories to publishers

    Join four professional organizations



    FINANCES (5 items)

    Pay due taxes

    Pay off credit card debt

    Save $1000


    Go three months without spending any unnecessary money (0/3)

    Pay off other debt



    CREATIVE (14 items, 1 completed)

    Do 10-15 Sailor Martin songs for the RPM project (15/15) (Completed 02.28.09)

    Complete 80,000 words of fake memoir (80,000/80,000) (Completed 04.18.09)

    Complete 80,000 words of Sparber Guide to Twin Cities (39,845/80,000)


    Complete 80,000 words of Tales of Tom Hopper

    Make an hour and a half long movie

    Write two plays (1/2)

    Write 100 poems (0/100)

    Record Sailor Martin Halloween album (0/15)

    Complete The World of Sailor Martin (10/15)

    Record Sailor Martin Irish album (1/15)

    Complete The World of Sailor Martin

    Rerecord all old songs

    Rerecord This Is Hollywood

    Write three screenplays


     

    BLOGGING (8 items)

    Get to 2,000 posts (1,069/2,000)

    Transfer journal entries to blog


    Transcribe old screenplays, put on blog

    Do 20 more entries to Public Domainia (0/20)

    Review 100 movies (7/100)

    Review 75 plays (7/75)

    Review 100 CDs (0/100)

    Do 20 digital documentaries (6/20)



    TRAVEL (5 items)

    Go with Coco to Los Angeles

    Visit Boca Raton

    Take 20 day trips (5/20)

    Get my passport

    Get my drivers license



    CONTESTS (7 items)

    Enter 10 screenwriting contests (4/10)

    Enter 10 poetry contests (0/10)

    Enter 10 songwriting contests (0/10)

    Enter 10 short fiction contests (5/10)

    Enter 10 miscellaneous contests (1/10)

    Enter 10 journalism contests (1/10)



    Send in applications for regional Emmys for 2009, 2010, 2011



    PURCHASES AND INDULGENCES (4 items)

    Write 20 letters to companies whose stuff I like

    Write 10 letters of complaint



    PHILANTHROPY (3 items, 1 completed)

    Give $100 to an organization for the homeless (0/100)

    Give $100 to the Red Cross (100/100) (Completed 03.18.09)

    Volunteer for 10 things (0/10)



    EDUCATION (9 items)

    Go to 30 museum exhibits (9/30)

    Read 30 non-fiction books (3/30)

    Read 30 fiction books (2/30)

    Attend 20 gallery openings (3/20)

    Attend 20 lectures (3/20)

    Attend 20 book readings (3/20)

    Go to 30 live music events (1/30)

    Learn how to make 20 new recipes (4/20)

    Watch every movie available in Danny Peary's Cult Movies (65/100)



    FAMILY (4 items)

    Email father 30 times (2/30)

    Call mother 30 times (3/30)


    Get together with Joshua 10 times (2/10)

    Get together with Greg 10 times (2/10)



    SOCIAL (6 items)

    Have 20 people over for supper who I haven't invited before (4/20)

    Comment on other blogs 100 times (75/100)

    Send proper letters to 50 friends (0/50)

    Wish 200 people a happy birthday (50/200)

    Write letters to 30 strangers I respect (1/30)

    Write 50 thank you notes (2/50)


     

    SAFETY (8 items, 2 completed)

    Do everything on codeready, ready.gov, reallyready.org, FEMA ready, and Pandemic Planning (http://www.health.state.mn.us/oep/prepare/index.html)

    Get a fire ladder

    Get locks for the guns and a locking ammo safe
    Go through first aid training

    Go through CPR training

    Learn how to use a defibrillator

    Get one of those door jams you can use to seal off a door (completed 02.04.09)

    Put together Go Bags for me and Coco







    Creating your own 1001 Day Project

    The Mission:
    Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

    The Criteria:
    Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

    Why 1001 Days?
    Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

    Some common goal setting tips:
    1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.

    2. Stay Focused. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.

    3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.

    4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.

    5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.

    Day Zero.


    PROJECT LISTS

    THE BOOK LIST
    CULT MOVIES
    DAY TRIPS
    LIQUEURS


    THE PROJECT

    INTRODUCTION
    GETTING ORGANIZED
    T-MINUS 1002 DAYS
    REVISITING THE LIST

    ORGANIZING MY PHOTOGRAPHS
    DOOR BAR
    LOCK UP THE GUNS
    COMPLETE AN ALBUM OF SAILOR MARTIN SONGS
    GET MY EYES CHECKED AND GET A NEW PAIR OF GLASSES
    GIVE $100 TO THE RED CROSS

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    DOGGEREL MAGAZINE AND RELATED ESSAYS

    9:32 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses
    DOGGEREL | ESSAYS ABOUT BAD POETRY

    MAX BUNNY SPARBER'S collected, and short-lived, ezine, which concerned itself with the subject of bad and despised poetic forms, including limericks, toasts, epitaphs, and bawdy songs.

    DOGGEREL

    INTRODUCTION: In which we learn about the origins, and endings, of Doggerel Weekly.

    NUMBER 1: Poems about sabotage, belly dancers, mass death, food fetishes, and spanking.

    NUMBER 2: Poems about group sex, demonic possession, misbehavior, and a classic bit of verse about a depraved family.

    NUMBER 3: A toast, as well as poems about adult films, Buddhists, infidelity, and piggishness.

    NUMBER 4: Poems about manliness, evil children, female pulchritude, and pies, as well as an essay on author Heinrich Hoffmann.

    NUMBER 5: Poems about horses, sin, shrubbery, weddings, and Scotsmen, as well as an essay about marijuana-themed blues.

    NUMBER 6: Poems about lascivious dances, opposing genders, history, marriage, and birth control, as well as two classic limericks and an essay about Benjamin Franklin.

    NUMBER 7: Poems about ancient history, American history, awful secrets, and foreign lands, as well as epitaphs.

    NUMBER 8: Poems about violence, grocery sacks, Kubla Khan, Irishmen, and camels.

    NUMBER 9: Poems about marriage, undergarments, the culture of poetry, feather dusters, and Turkish potentates.

    NUMBER 10: Poems about innocence, policemen, clergymen, Latin, and London.

    NUMBER 11: Poems about blushing, moose, cannibalism, bad writing, smoking, and bachelorhood.

    NUMBER 12: Poems about daredevils, best men, giant squid, fine arts, and liquor.

    NUMBER 13: Poems about moral instruction, death, unrequited love, Frenchmen, and Mexican whores, as well as a guide to bawdy resources.

    NUMBER 14: Poems about alcoholism, penis envy, bad wives, and bad students.

    NUMBER 15: Poems about ukuleles, graffiti, blind girls, and corpses.

    NUMBER 16: Poems about evil men, newspapermen, fiends, skeletons, and legendary men.

    NUMBER 17: Poems about Burma Shave, servants, lads from Perth, old men, and politics.

    NUMBER 18: Poems about the wicked, opium, trailer parks, misbehaving sons, and talking girls.

    NUMBER 19: Poems about tourism, fathers, aging, dogs, and spears.

    NUMBER 20: Poems about dope, Haitians, bad little sisters, celibates, and whores.

    SEVERAL ESSAYS ABOUT BAD POETRY

    THE LIMERICK: Being an introductory history to one of poetry's most despised structures, with several especially egregious examples.

    WILLIAM McGONAGALL, A TERRIBLE POET: On the truly remarkable poetic legacy of the author of the "Tay Bridge Disaster."

    ON THE HEATHEN PRACTICE OF TOASTING: A brief look at the pre-Christian origins of the drinking ritual.

    NEWSPAPER DOGGEREL ON THE EVE OF WAR: An essay written on the night before the start of the Iraq war, looking at the sorts of topical poems that once were common in deaily newspapers.

    PIRATE SONGS: A look at the dreadful shanties and songs of the sea produced by pirates and privateers.

    ON THE ART OF THE EPITAPH: As war rages and a friend's body surfaces, Max Bunny Sparber meditates on the poetry of death.

    THE BAWDY SONG: Max Bunny Sparber takes a loving look back at the tradition of the unspeakable filthy barroom ballad.

    EDWARD GOREY, A DERANGED WIT: A look at biographical writing about the eccentric and ghastly writer and illustrator.

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    VINYL ODDITIES

    9:14 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses


    A LOOK INTO the weird and wild world of LP cover art.

    COUNTRY | DISCO | EASY LISTENING | EXOTICA | FOLK | HUMOR AND SPOKEN WORD | POLKA | RELIGIOUS | WORLD



    COUNTRY

    A CANDY MOUNTAIN MELODY | George Morgan
    EDDIE PEABODY PLAYS | Eddie Peabody
    FIRE UP | The Sundowners
    HOT ON THE TRAIL |Timothy P. and Rural Route 3
    KEEPIN' IT COUNTRY | Sharie Lynn and Her Show-fers



    DISCO

    DISCO TEX AND HIS SEX-O-LETTES | Disco Tex and His Sex-O-Lettes



    EASY LISTENING

    40 ALL-TIME FAVORITE SONGS | Phil Taubman
    THE CIRCUS IS IN TOWN | Carl Stevens and His Marching Band
    CRAZY PEOPLE | Somethin' Smith and The Readheads
    DANCE THE BOP | Ray Conniff and His Orchestra and Chorus
    EDDIE JACKSON: Eddie Jackson and His Dixielanders
    HEARING IS BELIEVING | RCA Victor Record
    LOOK MA! 4 HANDS | The Twin Conn Organs
    THE MATCHMAKERS | The Matchmakers
    MURALT SINGS MURALT | Jack Muralt
    MUSIC FOR COURAGE AND CONFIDENCE | The Melachrino Strings
    MUSIC TO BREAK A SUB-LEASE | Don Costa's Free Loaders
    SONGS AND STUFF | Freddy Powers & The Powerhouse IV
    A STUDY IN HIGH-FIDELITY SOUND | Johnny Puleo and His Harmonica Gang



    EXOTICA

    BONGO DATE | Mike Pacheco
    LATIN DANCE CARNIVAL | Al Stephano and His Trio
    LIMBO PARTY | Ivy Pete and His Limbomaniacs



    FOLK

    BOOGIE! BOOGIE! BOOGIE! | Tom Pease
    CLOSET SALE | Maxine Feldman
    THE COTTON-PICKIN' LIFT TOWER AND OTHER SKIING SONGS | Ray Conrad
    FOLK SONGS TO BUG THE LIBERALS | The Goldwaters
    SKI SONGS | Bob Gibson



    HUMOR AND SPOKEN WORD

    2ND TRIP AROUND THE WORLD | Pearl Williams
    CARTY PARTY | Bill Carty
    CO-STAR: THE RECORD ACTING GAME | "Slapsy" Maxie Rosenbloom
    GOD SAVE THE QUEENS | Sandy Baron
    HOW TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF ... OR ... WHAT TO DO UNTIL THE PSYCHIATRIST COMES | Dr. Murray Banks
    THE OLD PHILOSOPHER | Eddie Lawrence
    SONGS FOR SWINGING MOTHERS | High In-Fidelity Records
    SOUNDS OF SELF-DEFENSE | Hai Karate
    TOTIE FIELDS LIVE | Totie Fields



    POLKA

    CHMIELEWSKI FUNTIME | Chmielewski Brothers Orchestra
    IT'S POLKA TIME | The Polka Padre
    MORE SONGS & HYMNS FROM THE POLKA MASS | Father Frank Perkovich
    POLKA HAWAII | The Polka Pals
    6 FAT DUTCHMEN | Six Fat Dutchmen



    RELIGIOUS

    BAR MITZVAH FAVORITES | Marty Levitt Orchestra featuring Harriet Kane
    GOD ISN'T DEAD | Gertrude Behanna
    HAPPY AGAIN | Merrill Womach
    I DON'T WANT TO DO WRONG | Bill Moss and The Celestials
    I SHALL COME FORTH AS GOLD | Dale Lundgren
    SELF-TITLED | The Parish Brothers
    RUN TOWARD THE ROAR | Tamy Faye Bakker
    SIGNS OF A GOOD LIFE | JD Sumner and the Stamps Quartet
    WANTING MORE | Gary Lemberg
    THE WELL-ROUNDED SQUARE | Dave Grant
    WHY KIDS GO WRONG! | David Wilkerson
    THE WONDER OF IT ALL | The Kroeze Brothers
    YOU CAN'T WASH THE BLOOD OFF YOUR HANDS | Rev. C.L. Franklin



    WORLD

    JIRA MUSICAL | Fernando Albuerne
    THE SONGS AND SOUNDS OF FRANCE | The French Government Tourist Office
    TIJUANA TAXI| The Guadalajara Brass
    VAMOS A APRENDER | Nancy
    WANDERING WITH THE HAPPY WANDERERS | The Happy Wanderers

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    THE SPARBER BOOKSHELF

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    THE SPARBER GALLERY

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    I'M JUST A BAD BOY, A FAKE MEMOIR

    6:54 PM Reporter: Max Sparber


    EVENTS CALENDAR | ON FACEBOOK

    Inspired by the rash of fake memoirs to hit the bestseller list recently, Max "Bunny" Sparber has decided to write his own, detailing his strange life, his addictions, his experiences with celebrities, and many other fascinating experiences that he has never actually had.

    INTRODUCTION: Max "Bunny" Sparber gives a brief introduction to the fake memoir, which is one of the most popular of contemporary genres, and explains why he decided to try his hand at writing one. His reason was pure greed, of course.


    PART ONE: CHILDHOOD

    THE DOLL: Max "Bunny" Sparber's mother doesn't want her son to feel bound by gender stereotypes, so she buys him a doll. As it turns out, that's not all he wants.

    ALCOHOL: Max "Bunny" Sparber remembers, and misses, his childhood addiction to alcohol.

    TWEE: Max "Bunny" Sparber was a special child: He was twee.

    ELIJAH: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber recounts a strange story from his youth, the tale of how the Sparbers brought the prophet Elijah to America.

    MIRACLE STORIES: Max "Bunny" Sparber remembers stories that may or may not be true about his ancestor, a famous rabbi.

    MOTHER: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber tells of being the child of an Oscar-winning movie star, and his disappointment that she did not beat him more thoroughly.


    PART TWO: CRIME AND PUNISHMENT


    TORTURE: Who says torture doesn't work? In Max "Bunny" Sparber's experience, it will fix almost anything.

    I, PIMP: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber recounts his accidental employment as a pimp.

    VIRGINIA RULES: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber explains the indigenous fighting arts of Minneapolis.

    STABRINA: The police suspect Max "Bunny" Sparber of being a murderous drag queen vigilante named Stabrina. But is it true?

    ALONE: Max "Bunny" Sparber is still around -- where did everybody else on earth go?

    THE HAT: Max "Bunny" Sparber buys a leather biker's hat, not realizing that, if you wear a hat long enough, it defines you.


    PART THREE: ADDICTION

    DEATH PEPPER: Max "Bunny" Sparber describes the hottest thing he ever ate.

    MOBILE HOME GIRLS: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber tells of his addiction to women from trailer parks, and how this had led him to be a bigamist.

    TWO YEARS: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber explains why he spent two years on a toilet.

    BLACKOUTS: Max "Bunny" Sparber tells of his alcohol-related memory problems -- he remembers his blackouts and forgets everything else.

    THE BUTTER SCULPTURE OF MY HEAD: 10 conversation between Max "Bunny" Sparber and the butter sculpture of his head he keeps in his freezer.

    THE BABY: Max "Bunny" Sparber finds a baby on his doorstep.

    APOCALYPSE HIGH: Max "Bunny" Sparber tells a group of drug addicts about the ultimate rush.


    PART FOUR: SELF HELP

    THE ABDUCTION: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber tells of his kidnapping at the hands of strange creatures, and why he hates his alien abductee support group.

    JEWS: Max "Bunny" Sparber's life has gotten a whole lot more complicated since everybody converted to Judaism.

    SURVIVAL: After a plane crash in the Andes, Max "Bunny" Sparber does what he must to survive.

    THE HUT: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber details the experiences of being a man who menstruates.

    FATHER: Max "Bunny" Sparber tracks down his biological parents, and couldn't regret it more.

    WHAT A MAN DOES: Max "Bunny" Sparber has ended more than a few lives, but they were all men that needed killing, and he doesn't like to brag about it.

    COOKIE JEWS: Max "Bunny" Sparber tells of the Soviet Jews, and one particular girl, he rescued from inside a cookie.

    BE LIKE ME: Max "Bunny" Sparber speaks to a high school about drunk driving, the accident that cost him the use of his limbs, his continued career as a martial artists, and why the assembled teens should aspire to be just like him.

    CAVEMAN: Max "Bunny" Sparber's DNA test comes back with an unexpected result.

    THE WORKMEN: Max "Bunny" Sparber's television viewing is interrupted by a group of workmen who want to take apart his apartment.


    PART FIVE: HOLLYWOOD

    STRIPPING: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber tells of his experiences as an exotic dancer, and why he will not be pursuing a book or movie deal like all the other strippers he works with.

    MY HAIR: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber tells the strange tale of his incredible adventures on Mars and Atlantis, and how they affected his magnificent head of hair.

    LOS ANGELES: They say LA will eat you alive; Max "Bunny" Sparber discovers this is literally true.

    THE HAND: A tragic accident for Max "Bunny" Sparber, and a depressing discovery.

    THE GOLEM: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber tells of his unlikely career as a television producer, and how he came up with the idea for his popular show, My Neighbor, The Golem.

    KUBRICK: In which Max "Bunny" Sparber recounts an airplane encounter with filmmaker Stanley Kubrick.

    THE DEVIL: Max "Bunny" Sparber goes to the crossroads to make a deal with the devil.

    BIGFOOT: Max "Bunny" Sparber tells of his encounter with the Bigfoot of the Hollywood Hills.

    GAY MARRIAGE: Max "Bunny" Sparber tells of his experiences as a straight man who has married another straight man.

    THE EXTRA: Max "Bunny" Sparber has been showing up in the background of a lot of movies, despite the fact that he wasn't there when they filmed.


    PART SIX: DEATH

    THE STORM: A gust of wind blows Max "Bunny" Sparber into the air, but he's not alone up there.

    PSYCHIC: Max "Bunny" Sparber tells about the tragedy of being omniscient without being omnipotent.

    THE HALLWAY: A long walk down a hallway, a cat jumping out, and a killer at the end. Max "Bunny" Sparber has seen this in a million horror movies; now he has to live it.

    THE HUNT: Aliens invade the earth, hunting and eating all life forms, and Max "Bunny" Sparber helps them in any way he can.

    THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE: Max "Bunny" Sparber and a surprising of survivors bunker down in the basement of the Guthrie Theater and battle hordes of the undead.

    GHOSTS: Max "Bunny" Sparber discovers there is life after death, and party hats.


    BONUS STORIES:

    LULZ: Max "Bunny" Sparber finds himself atop the Hoover dam, detonator in hand, facing down a secret agent who has taunted him via online chat groups.

    THE SIN MERCHANT: Max "Bunny" Sparber recounts why it is a mistake to take responsibility for some else's sin.

    MY SENSEI: There are many stories told about Max "Bunny" Sparber's sensei; all of them are true.

    THE WRESTLER: A Sparber family story about Max "Bunny" Sparber's uncle, the famous wrestler Al Sparber, and his battle with a troll.

    CONVERSATIONS WITH LOVERS: Max "Bunny" Sparber shares too much from nighttime conversations with lovers.

    ALBINO: Max "bunny" Sparber finds himself suffering the ire of a gossip blogger for seeming to deny his albino heritage.

    RED CARPET: Max "Bunny" Sparber recounts his mortification at a photo taken of him in a too-short skirt on the red carpet.

    THE RETURN: Max "Bunny" Sparber drives his classic automobile around Los Angeles, and toward a strange destiny.

    PLAYING POLITICS: Max "Bunny" Sparber holds a strange rally for a fringe political group.

    DRUNKS: Max "Bunny" Sparber recounts a time in his life when he made money by rolling drunks.

    STORIES: Max "Bunny" Sparber wants to retire from writing horror stories, but his characters just won't leave him alone.

    AWARD: As flattered as Max "Bunny" Sparber is to win Best Performer in a Group Sex Scene, he has a few things to say about what really matters.

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    BUNNY AND BRANDI WATCH BLAXPLOITATION

    4:07 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses


    CONVERSATIONS ABOUT one of the unique film genres of the 1970s. Presented in the order they are watched, in order to preserve the sense of an ongoing discussion. Bunny is white, but a longtime fan of blaxploitation, while Brandi is black, but relatively new to the genre.

    SUPERFLY (1972): Ron O'Neal plays a Harlem drug dealer looking to make one big score before retiring.

    DOLEMITE (1975): Nightclub comic Rudy Ray Moore brings to the screen his streetwise alter ego, Dolemite, in this tale of a framed con getting his revenge on the crooked cops -- and the mayor -- who put him in jail.

    SHAFT (1971): Richard Roundtree plays a black private dick attempting to prevent gangland warfare from erupting between the mob and a Harlem crime boss.

    CLEOPATRA JONES (1973): Statuesque actress Tamara Dobson plays a fur-clad international superspy battle heroin dealers in Los Angeles.

    BLACULA (1972): William Marshall, perhaps best knows as the King Of Cartoons on Pee Wee's Playhouse, plays an African prince made into a vampire by Dracula. He awakes in 1970s Los Angeles and discovers a woman who may be the reincarnation of his dead wife.

    COFFY (1973): Veteran exploitation filmmaker Jack Hill directs Amazonian actress Pam Grier in a tale of a nurse who takes revenge on the drug dealers that poisoned her sister.

    TRUCK TURNER (1974): Isaac Hayes plays a skip tracer who kills a pimp while apprehending him and finds himself hunted by the pimp's former associates.

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    NEWSPAPER DOGGEREL

    3:50 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses
    ARTS | BUSINESS | CRIME | LIFESTYLE | OBITUARIES | POLITICS | PROFILES | SCIENCE

    Poems inspired by current events.

    INTRODUCTION: A brief introduction to the history of newspaper doggerel, an all-but forgotten popular art.



    ARTS

    SAILOR SID: A two-line response upon seeing photographs of the pierced and tattooed genitalia of a member of The Mutual Tattooed Penis Admiration Society.

    STATUES OF HEROES: Inspired by news that Serbia has erected a statue of Bob Marley, Bosnia has built a statue of Bruce Lee, and the British Museum is displaying an enormous gold statue of Kate Moss.



    BUSINESS

    ON MONEY AND MARKETS ON A BAD DAY FOR BOTH: Written upon reading of the collapse of Wall Street financial institutions and the Dow Jones industrial average falling 300 points.

    A RICH MAN: Written upon reading of the controversial Federal economic bailout plan, which gives $700 billion to Wall Street with virtually no oversight.



    CRIME

    THE ASSAULT: Inspired by the ghastly tale of two farmworkers who woke to find an intruder rubbing one with spices and attacking the other with a sausage.

    DRESS LIKE A COW: Written upon reading about an Ohio woman who was arrested for creating a disturbance while dressed in a cow costume.



    LIFESTYLE

    THE BOOK LOVER: Inspired by tales of romance made complicated by an incompatible taste in literature.

    SHE OFFERS BOHEMIA: Inspired by tales of hipster prostitutes in New York City.

    WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST: Inspired by news that the story of gallant men giving up their chance for safety in favor of women and children is something of a myth, and that, to a great extent, survival during tragedy has to do with wealth and class.



    OBITUARIES

    DAVID FOSTER WALLACE: Written upon learning of the suicide of novelist and essayist David Foster Wallace.



    POLITICS

    THE BARNACLE: Written upon reading that Vice President Dick Cheney is refusing to turn over his records to the National Archives and Record Administration for eventual release to the public, claiming that he is not a part of the Executive Branch, but instead a "barnacle on the legislative branch."

    THE DEBATE: Written in response to John McCain's attempt to suspend the presidential debate so that he could focus on the economy.

    THE EMAILS: Written upon reading that Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin's emails had been hacked.

    A GREAT NEW LAND FOR FREEDOM: Inspired by the horrifying news that since America's invasion of Iraq, more that 430 gay men have been murdered, and gay men (and, to a lesser extent, women) are targeted for kidnapping and rape.

    THE HYDRANTS: In response to news that a North Texas homeowner lost his house in a fire because the neighborhood hydrants had been turned off. Why? To "prevent vandalism or any kind of terrorist activity, including something in the water lines."

    NANCY PELOSI HURT MY FEELINGS: Written upon reading that the government's $700 billion Wall Street bailout plan failed in congress, voted down by a majority of Republicans, who blamed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi for giving a speech that upset them. The DOW immediately plunged more than 700 points.

    PARTY FOR THE FEW: Inspired by the news that in the weekend before the Republican National Convention, police are already raiding the houses of suspected protesters and taking recording equipment from nonmainstream media sources.

    THE REPUBLICANS: Written in response to an article questioning why people who would benefit from liberal politics vote against their own interests when voting Republican.

    SARAH PALIN: Inspired by the news that Republican Presidential candidate John McCain picked Sarah Palin, a former beauty queen with minimal experience in public service, as his running mate.

    THE TERROR MERCHANTS: Written in response to Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani's address to the Republican National Convention, in which he complained that the Democrats during their national convention "rarely mentioned the attacks of September 11, 2001. They are in a state of denial about the biggest threat that faces this country."

    THE VOTER: Inspired by the news that an error in touch-screen voting machines used in half of Ohio's counties may cause some votes to be "dropped" in recent elections.



    PROFILES

    THE CARTOONIST: Written upon reading about Dick Hafer, a cartoonist with a strange and hateful fascination with homosexuality.

    FIVE TWO-LINE POEMS ABOUT ASHIDA KIM: A poem about controversial martial artist Ashida Kim, who has been accused of running a certification mill where, for a price, anybody can get official-looking certifications of advanced education in the martial arts. Ashida Kim is also responsible for the instructional video Ninja Sentry Removal Techniques, which shows ways ninjas might use to overpower a guard, such as throwing a pebble over his head, and the book The Erotic Adventures of Ashida Kim.

    FRED PHELPS: Written in response to Reverend Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro Baptist Church and a virulent homophobe, who recently attempted to picket the National Conference of Editorial Writers, claiming that the group is "responsible for the satanic milieu in this evil land" and for assisting the "satanic agendas" of "baby-killers and fags." The Westboro protestors were driven away by counter-protestors dressed as pirates.

    THE LEGEND OF DEVIN FUNCK: Inspired by the true story of Devin Funck, an 11-year-old boy who battled a giant alligator and lost an arm in Slidell, Louisiana.

    PARIS HILTON: Written upon reading about a new film featuring Paris Hilton, REPO! The Genetic Opera!



    SCIENCE

    THE MAGPIE: In response to news that scientists have determined that Magpies are self-aware, as demonstrated by the fact that they can recognize themselves in a mirror.

    THE ORGAN TAKERS: Inspired by the news that when organs are harvested from the dead, they may not be as dead as we think.



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    THE SPARBER GUIDE TO THE TWIN CITIES

    1:28 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses


    GOOD EATS | GOOD LOOKS | INK | LOCAL COLOR | LOCAL HEROES | SCREEN | SHOPPING | SOUNDS

    MINNEAPOLIS, ST. PAUL, and their environs. Hidden treasures, little-known locations, and strange history by Max "Bunny" Sparber.




    GOOD EATS

    ALL THE MILK YOU CAN DRINK: A Minnesota State Fair tradition that delights and perplexes.

    THE BAND BOX DINER: One of the Twin Cities' finest classic diners.

    THE COSMOPOLITAN: This locally invented cocktail was the favorite of the characters on Sex and the City, but we won't hold that against it.

    HOBO SOUP: A minnesota-produced epicurean visit to the food of yesterday's yard dogs.

    THE JUCY LUCY: Minneapolis's gift to world cuisine, although, it seems, world cuisine doesn't want it.

    MANCINI'S CHAR HOUSE: It's old school swank elegance in one of the Twin Cities' best steak houses.

    PEARSON'S SALTED NUT ROLL: St. Paul provides one of the most deliciously distinct confections in candy market.




    GOOD LOOKS

    ALIVE FROM OFF CENTER: A television show documenting a time when the Twin Cities were an unlikely hub for an international community of avant-garde artists.

    CHANK DIESEL: You've seen the fonts of Chank Diesel, even if you don't know it.

    THE EARLY CARTOONS OF RICHARD GUINDON: Richard Guindon, who was best known locally for drawing Minnesotans as potato-shaped weirdos, had an earlier, and less remembered, resume as a savagely political illustrator for The Realist.

    KING MINI INTERNATIONAL: Cartoonist Vincent Stall's self-produced, strange, and oddly moving miniature comic books.

    NUDIE'S RODEO TAILORS: One of Hollywood's most famous cowboy costume designers had an unexpected relationship with Mankato, Minnesota.

    THE PHOTOGRAPHS OF WING YOUNG HUIE: Two Twin Cities' thoroughfares get profiled in two engrossing monographs.

    PREFAB: Two local architectural firms create glorious, modernistic prefabricated houses for a fraction of the cost of traditional housing.

    SEED ART: The unofficial folk art of Minnesota.

    WALLY WOOD: Minnesota produced one of the legends in comic book illustrations, a man who was one of the most beloved characters at both EC Comics and Mad Magazine, and bridged the gap between 50s comics and the underground press of the 1960s.

    WILD ART AT THE WALKER ART CENTER: The Walker Art Center's massive collection of modern art contains some pieces that are titillating, or ambiguous, or just plain weird; here is a sampling.




    INK

    ALL THE CAKE I WANT: A look inside the St. Cloud Reformatory by Jim Adams, a former inmate.

    BAREFOOT BOY WITH CHEEK: Max Shulman, creator of Dobie Gillis, authored this puckishly comic coming of age novel, set at the University of Minnesota.

    CITY: By day, Clifford D. Simak may have been a Minneapolis newspaper editor, but by night he wrote some of the most unusual science fiction ever published.

    THE CROWDED BED: He was never a great writer, but with a trilogy of books about group marriage, Harold Kahm was one of the Twin Cities' most interesting.

    DIRECTORY SERVICES, INC.: This 60s-era and Minneapolis-based publisher of naked beefcake photography was at the center of a trial that made the case that even sexual minorities have First Amendment rights.

    DOWN AND OUT: THE LIFE AND DEATH OF MINNEAPOLIS'S SKID ROW: There was a time when downtown Minneapolis was mostly one big skid row; this collection of photographs revisits that time.

    THE EVENING CROWD AT KIRMSER'S: A hard-boiled memoir of a gay bar in St. Paul in the 1940s.

    GREAT MOMENTS IN ROCK 'N' ROLL: Joel Orff's long running, audience-written cartoon about one of America's greatest contributions to popular culture.

    THE JOHNNY FLETCHER MYSTERIES: Tough pulp fiction from a Minnesota native.

    THE MINNESOTA CONNECTION: An ultra-sleazy, nonfiction look at prostitution in Minnesota in the late 70s.

    ONE BAD DUDE: Harrowing tales of drugs, crime, and redemption in north Minneapolis.

    STRANGE DAYS, DANGEROUS NIGHTS: Photos from the morgues of St. Paul newspapers showing murder and mayhem from the middle part of the 20th century.




    LOCAL COLOR

    BOWLING: Other places can claim more bowlers and better bowlers, but no place can claim a weirder relationship with the sport.

    BURMA SHAVE'S GREATEST HITS: A Minnesota company changed the face of the American highway with their unique advertising campaign.

    A CANNIBAL FOUNDED MY TOWNSHIP!: The failed township of San Francisco, about an hour southwest of Minneapolis, had an unusual founder. His name was William Foster, and, as a member of the notorious Donner Party, he had murdered men and eaten their flesh.

    HAMM'S BEER BEAR: The Twin Cities has produced some great beer, but only one really great animated beer advertising mascot.

    HAUNTED TWIN CITIES: Like anyplace where people have lived, and died, for any length of time, the Twin Cities has its ghost stories; here are a few of our favorites.

    OREGON TRAIL: Minnesota's greatest contribution to educational video games, and one that to this day leaves people smiling at the words "you have died of dysentery."

    THE ORIGINAL NAMES FOR THE TWIN CITIES: They weren't always called Minneapolis and St. Paul; a look at our cities' more picturesque early names.

    THE PAVEK MUSEUM OF BROADCASTING: The Twin Cities largest collection of vacuum tubes; also, one of the coolest museums you'll ever see.

    PERMANENT RESIDENTS: A sampling of Twin Citians who have taken up residence in our many cemeteries.

    PERFORMANCE ODDITIES: Although the Twin Cities are home to the Guthrie, as well as a robust regional theater scene, in their early years Minneapolis and St. Paul seemed to be a nexus of bizarre and bewildering performances. Here are some of the highlights.

    ST. PAUL PROSTITUTION PHOTOS: A Web page that displays photos of people recently arrested; a guilty pleasure.

    THE STRANGE TALE OF DR. TANNER, THE MAN WHO FASTED: The true story of a Minneapolis doctor who didn't eat and apparently couldn't die.

    TILT-A-WHIRL: The perennial fairground ride is a Minnesota invention.




    LOCAL HEROES

    DR. DEMENTO: The world's greatest advocate of novelty music hails from Minneapolis.

    GORDON PARKS: The photographer and filmmaker -- who gave the world Shaft -- had many of his defining experiences as a child in Minnesota.

    THE HANSON BROTHERS: Slap Shot's trio of goony, ultraviolent brothers was based on -- and played by -- hockey playing brothers from Minnesota.

    LESTER YOUNG: The porkpie clad titan of jazz saxophone had his early roots in the Twin Cities.

    LILI ST. CYR: One of the legends of Burlesque, known as much for her offstage romances and her onstage disrobing.

    MITCH HEDBERG: St. Paul's greatest contribution to oddball standup comedy.




    SCREEN

    GEORGE AND GORDON BAU: Two brothers from Minnesota created a technique of special effects makeup that allowed them to tear Vincent Price's face off, and also transformed the industry.

    HAYWIRE DIALOGUE FROM THE COEN BROTHERS: Minnesota-born filmmakers Joel and Ethan Coen have put some of the oddest dialogue ever concocted onto the silver screen; here is a sampling.

    MINNESOTANS AND NOIR: We seem like such a mild-mannered state, and yet Minnesota produced some of the most significant actors in Hollywood's cruelest genre.

    MINNESOTANS IN HORROR FILMS: When the screaming starts onscreen, you can be sure a few locals will show up to join in.

    THE RIVERVIEW THEATER: Moviegoing -- and popcorn -- is never better than at this classic Minneapolis theater.

    TWO MAD HORROR FILMS DIRECTED BY MINNESOTANS: Quarantine and Deep Rising aren't simply genre exercises; they actually seem to have lost their minds.

    WHAT WOULD HOLLYWOOD BE WITHOUT THE UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA?: Many of Hollywood's greatest character actors and movie stars got their educations at the U.

    THE WRESTLER: A 1974 film, financed and lensed in Minneapolis, about the local wrestling scene, scripting by and starring AWA world champion and president Verne Gagne.




    SHOPPING

    AX-MAN SURPLUS: You may not know what to do with what you find at Ax-Man, but you're going to want to figure it out.

    VINTAGE MUSIC COMPANY: A hidden store sells forgotten musical treasures.




    SOUNDS

    "BALDIE STOMP/BALDIE BEAT" BY THE DEACONS: Two typically raucous TC garage band songs celebrate a perhaps semi-mythical street gang.

    "THE CRUSHER" BY THE NOVAS: This garage band ode to a wrestler may be the greatest wrestling-inspired song ever written; then again, it may be one of the most awful things ever put to vinyl.

    "DO I DO RIGHT" BY LOU & GINNY: A great, near-forgotten piece of Twin Cities rock and roll.

    EDDIE COCHRAN'S GUITAR: Minnesota rocker Eddie Cochran lived fast and died young; he influenced everyone from The Beatles to The Ramones, and, on the tour of England that killed him, his guitar wound up in the hands of two young men who would shape the course of British rock.

    FIVE WILD PLATTERS FROM THE ANDREWS SISTERS: Minnesota's most famous contribution to the world of close-harmony swing trios produced a number of very odd novelty songs; here are five of their oddest.

    "I WANT SOME OF THAT" BY KAI-RAY: The lost link between rockabilly and garage music, at least as far as Twin Cities music is concerned.

    THE LOST ROCK AND ROLL OF AUGIE GARCIA: And introduction to Minnesota's almost-forgotten godfather of rock and roll, the Bermuda-shorts-clad Augie Garcia, and a sampling of his unjustly obscure platters.

    SONGS ABOUT BIRDS: It began with "Surfin' Bird," but ever since the Minnesota music scene has been obsessed with our fine feathered friends.




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    GALLIANO COCKTAILS

    1:17 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses

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    THE BOTTLE GANG

    1:03 PM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses


    ESSAYS about cocktails, liquors, and the culture of drinking.

    THE BIG LEBOWSKI: Jeff" The Dude" Lebowski may not be much of a detective, but he sure knows how to enjoy a White Russian.

    CIGAREETES, WHUSKY AND WILD, WILD WOMAN: The Sons of the Pioneers produce a song of a repentant drunk that sounds more like an unrepentant drinking song.

    A COCKTAIL TOUR OF NEW ORLEANS: An introduction to the great drinks to emerge from the City the Care Forgot.

    THE CROW BAR: Thoughts on a small bar in Tomah, Wisconsin, and Old Crow, the bourbon.

    DEATH DRINKS OF ROCK STARS: Hard-drinking rock and rollers and the alcohol that killed them.

    HOLLYWOOD COCKTAILS: There's more to Hollywood than the Walk of Fame and an endless number of tourist shops; it is also home to some truly great cocktails.

    HOLLYWOOD'S GREATEST DRINKERS: Hollywood has always had a lot of people who loved the drink; these are the ones for whom hard drinking helped define their public personae.

    KOSHER WINE: It's good enough for winos and the prophet Elijah; it's good enough for you.

    THE HURRICANE: A discussion of the famous fruity rum cocktails served by Bourbon Street's Pat O's, written the night before Hurricane Katrina made landfall and destroyed New Orleans.

    THE LIQUOR-SOAKED DEATH OF CHARLES II OF NAVARRE: A lot of people have died as the result of alcohol. but none so badly as this ancient king.

    THE MARTINI: An introduction to the classic -- and frequently debased -- cocktail.

    THE MCQUEEN: A discussion of the value of the savory cocktail, and a Bottle Gang original cocktail in the savory tradition.

    THE MIDNIGHT TIPPLE OF PAUL REVERE: Was one of the heroes of the Revolutionary War a little soused when he made his famous ride?

    NIGHTMARE ALLEY: This 1947 noir masterpiece about a fraud spiritualist contains one of film's greatest characterizations of a life ruined by alcohol.

    NYE'S POLONAISE ROOM: A little-known tale about one of the Twin Cities' great bars and its unexpected contribution to the fine arts.

    OMAHA, PART 1: A drinker's guide to the Gate City.

    OMAHA, PART 2: More of the Gate City.

    ON JAMES BOND AND DRINKING: The fictional superspy may have ruined the martini, but he did very interesting things with vodka.

    THE PIMMS CUP: The story behind one of the great cocktails of the British Isles, and why no American bartender makes it right.

    REYKA VODKA: A really good neutral spirit, and a discussion of the problems inherent in writing about vodka.

    SIX REALLY BAD THINGS TO DO WHEN DRUNK: You think you're a bad drunk? You're an amateur!

    ST. PATRICK'S DAY: The origins of the greatest holiday a drinker could ever have.

    THE STILL: So you think you're impressive for making your own beer, eh? Well, real men make liquor.

    THUNDERBIRD: The great American wino wine.

    THE UNDRINKABLE COCKTAIL: No matter how bad the bottom-shelf liquor that you're swilling may be, there is someone, somewhere that is drinking something much worse.

    VALHALLA: No wonder the vikings were so fearless in battle -- their afterlife was a drinker's paradise.

    THE W HOTEL, MINNEAPOLIS: Complaints about the opening of an upscale hotel -- with a magnificent bar -- in downtown Minneapolis.

    YEAST: It eats sugar and poops alcohol -- what's not to like?

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    THE CONTESTANT

    11:29 AM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses
    AN ADVENTURE in competition. Several times per week, Max "Bunny" Sparber enters contests, then recounts his wins, his losses, and his experiences along the way.




    INTRODUCTION: Max "Bunny" Sparber explains what prompted him to start entering every contest that looks interesting to him.




    AMERICAN ZOETROPE SCREENPLAY CONTEST: Bunny Sparber enters a screenplay into one of America's most prestigious screenwriting contests, with the finalists judged by Francis Ford Coppola.




    MERMAID JINGLE JAM: Bunny writes a new jingle for Chicken of the Sea.

    BUNNY WINS AN IPOD: Just for participating in the contest, and submitting early, Bunny won himself an iPod Shuffle.




    NEW YORKER CAPTION CONTEST: Bunny attempts to concoct a caption for a New Yorker cartoon in order to win that cartoon.

    NEW YORKER CAPTION CONTEST 2: Bunny did not move on to the next round with his first submission, so he submits again.




    NWA WORLD VACATIONS: Will Bunny win a trip to Cancun with an essay he wrote about a vacation experience?




    SOUTHWEST BLOG STAR: Bunny makes a short movie to explain why he should be Southwest Airlines' staff blogger.

    SOUTHWEST BLOG STAR FOLLOW UP: Bunny loses to a man who does an impersonation of a Wookie.




    STATE FAIR VIDEO: Bunny makes a 30-second commercial for the Minnesota State Fair in order to win tickets and possible cash prizes.




    WERGLE FLOMP HUMOR POETRY CONTEST: Bunny enters a dreadful poem, in chunks, into a contest run by a vanity publishing outfit, which then qualifies him to enter the poem in a contest for bad poems that have been submitted to vanity publishers.




    YOU COULD BE ON MAD MEN: Bunny submits an audition video for a walk-on role on AMC's drama Mad Men.

    YOU COULD BE ON MAD MEN FOLLOW UP: Bunny is outclassed by the other contestants, and does not move on to the semi-fals.




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    NEW SONGS

    11:09 AM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses


    Songs written by Max "Bunny" Sparber since January 1, 2008.

    THIS IS HOLLYWOOD

    SANTA MONICA: Max "Bunny" Sparber sings of male hustlers on a Hollywood intersection.

    THE SHELTER GANG: A song about the dozens of teenagers Max "Bunny" Sparber saw pass through the Citrus House Shelter in the summer on 1992.

    THE MOVIEGOER: Bunny Sparber sings of his obsessive moviegoing habits when he lived in Los Angeles.

    DANNY SAYS: A song about a writer Bunny knew in Hollywood.

    WATCH IT BURN: A song about standing on the roof of a Hollywood apartment and watching the L.A. Riots.

    FUCK YOU LA: A song about leaving Los Angeles

    L.A. XPRESS: A song about Los Angeles' notorious free girlie magazine

    WHEN JOHN DRINKS: A song about a former roommate

    IF THEY MADE A MOVIE OF MY LIFE: A song about a girl Bunny Sparber knew

    SHELLEY WINTERS: A song about an actress

    BRING A BAG OF SANDWICHES I'LL BE WAITING WITH A GUN: A song about burning out in a strange town

    KARI ANN: A song about a girl and plans to move

    APARTMENT 503: A song about a woman, her boyfriend, and trouble for Bunny

    TRACEY KNOWS HOW TO LIE: A song about a young woman and a series of stories that may not be true

    THIS IS HOLLYWOOD: Stories of people who are just getting by

    STEVEN'S SUNSET BOULEVARD BOOKSTORE: A song about a bookstore that specialized in transgressive literature

    FIRST PERSON THREE-WAY: A song about porn

    THE DAY OF THE CHRISTMAS PARADE: Christmas for Hollywood's squatters

    THE THIS IS HOLLYWOOD WEB SITE AND BLOG

    THE DREXEL DEMOS



    Songs written by Max "Bunny" Sparber between and June 27 and August 31, 2008 at his small apartment in the Drexel Apartment Hotel in Minneapolis. Click here to learn more about or download individual songs.

    1. Glorious Mansion on the Hill (Close Harmony Version)
    2. No Time To Cry
    3. Champagne for Breakfast
    4. The Boys of the 110th
    5. My Fresh Pie
    6. They Never Found Her Head
    7. Ellen
    8. A Bowery Christmas
    9. Gone
    10. Cocaine is the Hardest Drug
    11. Widow's Prayer
    12. When the Water Rise Up
    13. A Man is Coming
    14. You Can't Go Back to London
    15. Glorious Mansion on the Hill (Gospel Version)

    Download the entire album as a zipped 44 MB file.




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    TABLE OF CONTENTS

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    MAX "BUNNY" SPARBER'S many projects, with descriptions. Click on the orange chicklet at the end of the description to subscribe, even to seemingly completed projects; like zombies, Sparber projects can return from the dead without warning.

    ORIGINAL WORK

    BUNNY'S GARDEN OF VERSES: Rhymes for young people by Max "Bunny" Sparber.  

    THE CONTESTANT: An adventure in competition. Several times per week, Max "Bunny" Sparber enters contests, then recounts his wins, his losses, and his experiences along the way.  

    DOGGEREL: Max "Bunny" Sparber's collected, and short-lived, ezine, which concerned itself with the subject of bad and despised poetic forms, including limericks, toasts, epitaphs, and bawdy song.  

    I'M JUST A BAD BOY, A FAKE MEMOIR: True tales from a life that never happened.  

    THE LOWEST-CONCEPT MOVIES EVER: Screenplays by Max "Bunny" Sparber.  

    NEW SONGS: New songs written by Max "Bunny" Sparber. Most written in the idioms of country and blues, and most recorded in as lo-fi and distorted a manner as possible.  

    OLD SONGS: Songs composed by Max "Bunny" Sparber between 1986 and 2005, and the stories behind them.  

    THE PLAYS OF MAX SPARBER: Original plays by Max Sparber, available for download in PDF form, with additional media.  

    THE TALES OF TOM HOPPER: Stories from the life of a cat with a taste for rhymed verse and an occasionally murderous temperament, set in the public library in New Orleans' French Quarter prior to the hurricane.  

    THE WORLD OF SAILOR MARTIN: Songs, bawdy jokes, and movies from a pierced and heavily tattooed sailor puppet.  


    CRITICISM AND TRAVEL

    THE ARCHIVE: Past essays and criticism by Max "Bunny" Sparber

    THE BOTTLE GANG: Essays about cocktails, liquors, and the culture of drinking.  

    BUNNY AND BRANDI WATCH BLAXPLOITATION: Conversations about one of the unique film genres of the Seventies.  

    THE DIRTIEST BOOKS EVER WRITTEN: Vintage printed naughtiness from Max "Bunny" Sparber's private reserve.  

    THE ESSENTIAL GHOUL'S RECORD SHELF: A first look into the strange world of supernaturally themed pop music.  

    THE FILMS OF WILLIAM SHATNER: An introduction to William Shatner, the actor, and his strange body of work.  

    GALLIANO COCKTAILS: Reviews of drinks made with the anise-flavored liqueur.  

    JET PACK TOUR: Join Max "Bunny" Sparber and his small personal jet pack as he goes on a tour of various fascinating locations around America and, eventually, the world.  

    KING PIRATE: Max "Bunny" Sparber offers his comprehensive reviews of pirate films.  

    THE ODD INGESTER: Max "Bunny" Sparber trolls dollar stores and ethnic grocery stores for puzzling comestibles and potables, which he then consumes for the edification of his readership.  

    PUBLIC DOMAINIA: The weirdest films available in the public domain.  

    THE SPARBER BOOKSHELF: Strange and delightful books from Max Sparber's personal collection.  

    THE SPARBER GALLERY: A glimpse into the vast and strange art collection of Max "Bunny" Sparber.  

    THE SPARBER GUIDE TO THE TWIN CITIES: Minneapolis, St. Paul, and their environs. Hidden treasures, little-known locations, and strange history by Max "Bunny" Sparber.  

    VINYL ODDITIES: A look into the weird and wild world of LP cover art.  

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    ABOUT MAX SPARBER

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    Early Life
    Matthew Harold Sparber was born in St. Paul, Minnesota, on May 8, 1968; at 11 days of age he was adopted. His adoptive parents, Claire Kestenbaum and Sheldon Sparber, were a Jewish couple of East European descent from New York, and both worked in medical fields, Claire as a pharmacist, Sheldon as a professor of pyschopharmacology at the University of Minnesota. Little is known about Matthew Sparber's biological parents, except that both were college graduates and they were presumably of English/Irish extraction. Matthew was named after Sheldon's uncle Max, a rare book dealer; at age 17 Matthew took the name Max as a nickname, and it is the name he has been known by for his entire adult life.

    Max has several notable relatives. On his mother's side, Max is a second cousin to Emmy award-winning actor Judd Hirsch, and is a direct descendant of Ze'ev Wolf Kitzis, one of the founders of Hasidism and a disciple of the Ba'al Shem Tov. On his father's side, Max is a distant cousin to Grammy Award-winning composer, Lalo Shifrin.

    Max was raised in Minneapolis and the nearby suburb of St. Louis Park for most of his childhood, and had as babysitters Matt and Dan Wilson of the bands Trip Shakespeare and Semisonic.

    Max attended a Jewish high school in Minneapolis, Maimonides High School, as well as Minnetonka High School, where he was active in school theatrical productions and student publishing. He graduated high school in 1986 and attended college at the University of Minnesota, returning, on and off, throughout his adult life, at first pursuing a degree in Jewish Studies, and later a degree in Theater.

    Los Angeles
    Max moved to Los Angeles in May of 1990, hoping to pursue a career in screenwriting. He quickly found himself homeless, and ended up spending three months in a homeless shelter run by the Gay/Lesbian Community Center of Los Angeles. He then spent a year renting an apartment through the Teen Canteen, an organization tasked with assisting LA's large community of homeless youth.

    Through the Teen Canteen, Sparber became involved with an acting program led by Academy Award-winning actress Shelley Winters. The program was short-lived and contentious, lasting about a year (with Winters herself dropping out after six months), but Max wound up writing two plays for the program, neither of which have ever been produced.

    Max worked at a video rental store in Westwood, and was attacked during a race riot that erupted shortly after the beating of Rodney King, when the film New Jack City opened. He was also in Los Angeles for the riots that followed the Rodney King trials, and shortly after that moved back to Minneapolis, where he became involved in an active anarcho-punk scene that had developed in the Twin Cities, in part under the influence of the magazine Profane Existence.

    Omaha
    Max returned to Los Angeles in 1996 for six months, again looking for work as a writer, but quickly became discouraged. At the prompting of a friend, he moved to Omaha, Nebraska, and quickly became associated with the Blue Barn Theatre, a black box theater company that focused on contemporary American plays. Max wrote a play for the theater's 1998 season based on a 1919 lynching that occurred in downtown Omaha. Titled Minstrel Show, or The Lynching of William Brown, Max's play retold the incident through the point of view of two itinerant African American blackface performers. Although the play was condemned by state senator Ernie Chambers, who had not seen it but called for a black boycott of the play, Minstrel Show opened to rave reviews and sold-out audiences. It has since been performed throughout the country, including three productions in New York.

    Max also began work at The Omaha Reader, an independent newsweekly. Starting as a film critic, Max quickly moved into a position as editor, and, after a few years, took over as the paper's editor-in-chief.

    Max has continued to work in the world of newsweeklies, returning to Minneapolis in 2000 to work at City Pages as a theater critic, a position he held for three years. He also worked as an editorial layout designer, returning to Omaha for two years to work in The Reader's design department, as well as doing editorial design for Pulse of the Twin Cities for more than a year.

    New Orleans
    Max moved to New Orleans in the fall of 2004, living in the French Quarter, until he fled the city, along with nearly a million other residents of New Orleans, when mandatory evacuations were instituted in advance of Hurricane Katrina. While he lived in New Orleans, Max purchased a ventriloquist dummy in the form of a heavily pierced and tattooed sailor. Max named the puppet Sailor Martin and began making short digital films, splicing the puppet into old public domain educational movies. He has continued making these films to this day, as well as recording music as Sailor Martin by singing new lyrics over public domain popular songs. Max briefly performed with the dummy in the streets of the French Quarter, as well as worked as the opening act for a New Orleans burlesque troupe.

    Online presence
    Max began blogging in 2000, at first editing an online poetry magazine called Doggerel Weekly, that specialized in bawdy themes and black humor. This later turned into Bawd, a personal blog that explored the same themes.

    Since then, Max has started a number of blogs detailing a variety of projects, including horror makeup, his work as a playwright, the culture of the cocktail, and supernaturally themed music. Lately, Max has been redacting all these projects into a single blog, this one. Since May of 2007, Max has worked as editor of MnSpeak, a popular Twin Cities online forum. He also works as Sneior Web Editor of the University of Minnesota's School of Dentistry.

    Additionally, Max was a cast member of Chasing Windmills, a six-month-long experiment in producing short digital movies every weekday. Max also helped produce and appeared in a series of semi-documentary digital films for the online version of Minneapolis's Rake Magazine.

    Career as playwright
    Max has continued to work as a playwright, enjoying between one and two productions of his plays every year. He has written more than a dozen plays, many of them appearing at Omaha's Blue Barn Theatre, where Max had his first play produced. Additionally, Max was the first featured playwright in Edward Albee's Great Plains Theatre Festival.

    MAX SPARBER'S RÉSUMÉ

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    THE LOWEST-CONCEPT MOVIES EVER

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    SCREENPLAYS by Max Bunny Sparber.

    INTRODUCTION: Concerning Max Bunny Sparber's relationship with Hollywood, and the strange screenplays he has written, none of which can be summarized in a single-sentence, were written for a mass audience, fall into an easily defined genre, are written around a traditional thee-act structure, or follow Joseph Campbell's outline of the Hero's Journey. Perhaps it goes without saying that Bunny Sparber has had a hard time getting people interested in these scripts.

    I ONLY SLEEP WITH CELEBRITIES (2007): The epic tale of a bisexual homeless teenage girl in Hollywood at the time of the Los Angeles riots, based on Bunny Sparber's own experiences.

    BABA YAGA (2008): A very low-budget horror film about two Jewish college students who stumble upon a strange wedding party at a Russian vodka bar, and discover they may have become targets of a nightmarish figure from Russian folklore.

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    THE ARCHIVE

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    PAST WRITING by Max "Bunny" Sparber.

    1997

    FILM:

    Alien: Resurrection
    Amistad
    Anthem
    Bean
    Boogie Nights
    The Devil's Advocate
    The Edge
    Fire Down Below
    The Full Monty
    The Game
    Her Majesty Mrs. Brown
    In the Company of Men

    Jackie Brown
    Kull the Conqueror

    L.A. Confidential
    The Last Days of Disco
    A Life Less Ordinary
    Mousehunt
    The Mouse
    Nowhere
    Rocket Man
    Shall We Dance
    Starship Troopers
    Suicide Kings
    Titanic
    U-Turn
    When the Cat's Away
    The Wings of The Dove

    MUSIC:

    El Rey Del Timbal | Tito Puente
    100% Azucar | Celia Cruz

    1998

    ART

    Japanese prints
    Salvador Dali

    FILM:

    54
    Antz
    The Apostle
    Armageddon
    BASEketball
    The Big Hit
    The Big Lebowski
    The Big One
    Celebrity
    Blade
    Chairman of the Board
    City of Angels
    Dark City
    Deep Impact
    Fallen
    Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
    Half Baked
    Kissing a Fool
    Knock Off
    Life is Beautiful
    Luis Bunuel
    Love and Death on Long Island
    Ma Vie en Rose
    The Man in the Iron Mask
    Les Miserables
    Mr. Nice Guy
    Niagara, Niagara
    Palmetto
    Phantoms
    Pleasantville
    Practical Magic
    A Price Above Rubies
    The Prince of Egypt
    Psycho
    The Replacement Killers
    Ronin
    A Simple Plan
    Slums of Beverly Hills
    Smoke Signals
    The Spanish Prisoner
    Sphere
    Species II
    Star Trek: Insurrection
    The Sweet Hereafter
    Tarzan and the Lost City
    Touch of Evil
    The Truman Show
    The Waterboy
    The Wedding Singer
    What Dreams May Come
    Woo

    MISCELLANEOUS

    The Boy Who Wouldn't Sleep
    Christmas
    Tommy Smothers

    MUSIC


    Academy Award-Winning Music from MGM Classics 1939-1965 | Various Artists

    The Best of Márta Sebestyén | Márta Sebestyén
    Couleur Café | Serge Gainsbourg
    The Darktown House Band
    Deke Dickerson
    The Dirty Boogie | The Brian Setzer Orchestra
    Extremely Cool | Chuck E. Weiss
    Flamenco Passion & Soul/Pasion y Duende | Gino D’Auri
    Found and invented instruments
    Indiginous
    Indigo Swing
    Kim Lenz
    Let’s Get Wild | Rudy “Tutti” Grayzell
    The Look of Love | Various
    Man or Astroman?
    Mariachi
    Memory is an Elephant | The Tin Hat Trio
    ¡Pinareño! | Various Artists
    Perennial Favorites | The Squirrel Nut Zippers
    Sabroso! | Various Artists
    Semisonic
    Skin on Skin | Mongo Santamaria
    The Sound of Power | The Delstars
    Thrills | Andrew Bird's Bowl of Fire
    Where Young Grass Grows | Huun-Huur-Tu

    1999

    FILM

    8MM
    10 Things I Hate About You
    The 13th Warrior
    Analyze This
    Bats
    The Bone Collector
    Brokedown Palace
    The Corrupter
    Drive Me Crazy
    Dudley Do-Right
    Eight Days a Week
    Eyes Wide Shut
    Goodbye Lover
    The Haunting
    House on Haunted Hill
    Idle Hands
    The Iron Giant
    It's a Wonderful Life
    Jakob the Liar
    Man on the Moon
    The Matrix
    The Messenger
    The Mod Squad
    My Favorite Martian
    Never Been Kissed
    Office Space
    The Omega Code
    Payback
    Princess Mononoke
    Rushmore
    The Sixth Sense
    Stigmata
    The Straight Story
    Three to Tango
    Trekkies
    True Crime
    Twin Dragons
    Universal Soldier: The Return
    Wild, Wild West

    MISC

    Halloween
    A Walking Tour of Crime in Downtown Omaha

    MUSIC

    Oh! The Grandeur | Andrew Bird's Bowl of Fire
    A Hipster's Collection of Christmas Music
    Horses, Cattle and Coyotes | Sons of the San Joaquim
    Shakespeare on Record
    Tri-Danielson | The Danielson Family

    2000

    FILM

    The Hurricane
    Mansfield Park


    MISC

    Grand Guignol
    Timmy Big Hands

    MUSIC

    As Time Goes By | Brian Ferry
    Baro Biao (World Wide Wedding) | Fanfare Ciocatrlia
    The Bartok Album | Muzsikas

    THEATER

    Lisa D'Amour
    Kira Obolenski


    2001

    MISC

    Thomasina Kundalini

    THEATER

    The Scrimshaw Brothers
    Twin Cities Theater Mishaps


    2002

    ART

    Gene Ha and Zander Cannon


    2003

    MUSIC

    More Christmas Music


    2004

    BOOKS

    Naked as a Jaybird

    MISC

    Ramcat Alley


    2005

    BOOKS

    A Poetry Reading in the French Quarter

    MISC

    A Glass Harmonica Player in the French Quarter


    2006

    MISC.

    Homelessness


    2007

    FILM

    The Good German
    Inland Empire
    Tears of the Black Tiger

    MISC

    Written in the Days Following the Virginia Tech Shooting

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    THE TALES OF TOM HOPPER

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    STORIES FROM THE LIFE of a cat with a taste for rhymed verse and an occasionally murderous temperament, set in the public library in New Orleans' French Quarter prior to the hurricane.

    INTRODUCTION: In which you learn who Tom Hopper is, and how his stories began.

    SONG OF THE EMPTY STOMACH: Tom hunts for food and instead overhears a spider's nursery rhyme to her children.

    THE LITERARY GROUP
    : Tom join a group of mice to discuss literature, and then easts a few of them.

    THE BELL: The literary group of mice attack a desktop bell to Tom so that they know when he's about.

    THE IRISHMAN: A tiny grasshopper named Seamus with a matchstick shillelagh makes trouble for Tom.

    A PLACE OF FORGETFULNESS: The grasshopper tells a tale of romantic woe.

    GRETA: Tom spends an afternoon with a guest, the thin and depressed cat of an opera singer.

    KITTENS: The French Quarter library is invaded by a group of kittens.

    EVERY LIE A SIN: The library is infested by book lice, who turn out to be religious fanatics that believe fiction to be the work of the devil.

    JIMMY THE SHREW: The grasshopper stands up to a vicious brute who terrorizes the library.

    STRANGE PERFORMANCE
    : The grasshopper organizes a show by two brown bats who wish to be vaudeville performers.

    THE HOMESICK MONKEY: Tom remembers his childhood, when he traveled in a circus with his father, and the unhappy creature he met on his travels.

    FEVER: With a fever comes a visitor from Tom's past, as well as unexpected assistance.

    THE DOG: Tom meets a nervous, ratlike canine in the library, and discovers the beast might be a poet of some little talent.

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    THE DIRTIEST BOOKS EVER WRITTEN

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    ROCK STAR SKINNY

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    BUNNY SPARBER'S ATTEMPT to chanhge his body from somewhat pudgy to resembling that of a heroin-addicted rock and roll star.

    THE ROCKNROLLA DIET

    A diet loosely based on the one used by actor Toby Kebell to slim down for the movie RockNRolla, consisting of a fast, followed by a very low calorie diet.

    DAY 1
    DAY 2
    DAY 3
    DAY 5
    DAY 8
    DAY 12
    DAY 16
    DAY 19
    DAY 20
    DAY 29
    DAY 38
    DAY 43
    DAY 50
    DAY 64

    THE COOKIE AND SHAKE DIET

    A diet based in eating those low-calorie meal replacement bars and shakes that can be bought over the counter at most grocery and drug stores.

    DAY 1
    DAY 8
    DAY 15
    DAY 22
    DAY 29
    REGROUPING

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    THE ARTS WRITER

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    News and reviews about Twin Cities' arts and culture from Max Sparber.

     Subscribe to The Arts Writer!

    SHORT DOCUMENTARIES:

    Make: Day at the Science Museum: Make: Magazine and Television cosponsor a day of DIY inventions.

    Cathy Wurzer Talks About Highway 61: MPR and Almanac host Cathy Wurzer discusses Tales of the Road, her new book about the history of one of America's most iconic highways.

    FILM:

    Living Arrangements: A local lensed feature film about a pair of vegans who discover a werewolf in their attic.

    Watchmen: Did director Zach Snyder make Alan Moore's legendary graphic novel a little trashier, and is that a bad thing?

    THEATER:

    It's a Wonderful Law School: The University of Minnesota's law school offers up its annual amateur musical.

    Splendid Things: An improv trio.

    About The Arts Writer.

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    THE FILMS OF WILLIAM SHATNER

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    INTRODUCTION: An introduction to William Shatner, the actor, and his strange body of work.

    THE EXPLOSIVE GENERATION (1961): Shatner is a liberal schoolteacher who agrees to have a frank discussion of sexuality with his students; parents and principal disapprove, and the students revolt.

    THE INTRUDER (1962)
    : Shatner plays a vicious sociopath in the American south on the eve of integration, formenting racist violence while seducing teenage girls and the wives of traveling salesmen.

    INCUBUS (1965): A moody horror film in which a female demon attempts to seduce William Shatner and destroy his soul; the film had a reputation for being cursed, and was shot entirely in the invented language of Esperanto.

    THE PEOPLE (1972): Shatner is a small-town doctor in a rural farming community that seems, at first, like a religious cloister, until the residents start demonstrating some unworldly powers.

    INCIDENT ON A DARK STREET (1973): Shatner plays a corrupt government official with ties to the mob in this television movie about the Los Angeles District Attorney's office.

    THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET (1973): Shatner is an alcoholic ex-priest on a demon-possessed airplane in the made-for-television movie.

    IMPULSE (1974): Shatner plays a psychotic con man in Florida who beds and then murders women.

    BIG BAD MAMA (1974): Shatner plays an alcoholic and spineless second-fiddle to a gang of female thieves, led by Angie Dickinson, as they cut a swath of violence across the west Texas during the Depression.

    PRAY FOR THE WILDCATS (1974): Shatner is a down-on-his-luck ad executive who takes a dirt bike journey to Baja with an unexpectedly psychotic Andy Griffith.

    THE DEVIL'S RAIN (1975): Shatner faces the devil in a Mexican ghost town in the form of a goat-faced Ernest Borgnine.

    MYSTERIES OF THE GODS (1976): Shatner narrates a questionable documentary based on the writings of Erich von Däniken, who claimed that human progress had been nudged along by repeated visits from extraterrestrials.

    KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (1977): Shatner is a veterinarian in an Arizona town that is suffering an epidemic of tarantula attacks.

    CRASH (1978): Shatner plays a no-nonsense airplane inspector in a television movie based on the actual crash of Eastern Air Lines Flight 401.

     Subscribe to The Film's of William Shatner


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    THE ESSENTIAL GHOUL'S RECORD SHELF

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    A collection of the strangest spooky sounds ever put to platter -- listen to the songs on the built-in flash player!

    INTRODUCTION: A first look into the strange world of supernaturally themed pop music.


    ALIENS

    ALIEN | Leonard Nimoy
    BO MEETS THE MONSTER | Bo Diddley
    GREEN SLIME | Richard Delvi
    I MARRIED A MONSTER FROM OUTER SPACE | John Cooper Clarke
    JOURNEY TO THE SEVENTH PLANET | Otto Brandenburg


    DEATH

    CURSE OF THE HEARSE | Terry Teene


    CAVEMEN AND OTHER PRIMITIVES

    JUNGLE HOP | Kip Tyler and the Flips
    KONGA JOE | Arch Hall, Jr.


    GHOSTS

    DEAD MAN'S STROLL | The Revels
    GHOST TOWN | The Specials
    HAUNTED HOUSE BLUES | Bessie Smith
    MR. GHOST GOES TO TOWN | The Five Jones Boys
    NEW YEARS EVE IN A HAUNTED HOUSE | Raymond Scott
    MYSTERIOUS MOSE | Ted Weems and His Orchestra
    PHANTOM 309 | Red Sovine
    THE SKELETON IN THE CLOSET | Louis Armstrong
    WITH HER HEAD TUCKED UNDERNEATH HER ARM | Stanley Holloway
    YODELING GHOST | Patsy Montana


    HALLOWEEN

    IT'S HALLOWEEN | The Shaggs


    HORROR SHOW HOSTS

    MORGUS THE MAGNIFICENT | Morgus and the Ghouls


    MONSTERS

    AT THE MUNSTERS | The Munsters
    IGOR GOES SURFIN' | Aki Aleong and The Nobles
    PAJAMA PARTY IN A HAUNTED HIVE | Beat Happening
    KING KONG | The Jimmy Castor Bunch
    WEREWOLVES OF LONDON | Warren Zevon
    ZOMBIE JAMBOREE | Harry Belafonte


    PSYCHICS, WITCH DOCTORS, AND HYPNOTISTS

    CRISWELL PREDICTS | Mae West
    FORTUNE TELLER | Benny Spellman
    IT'S YOUR VOODOO WORKING | Charles Sheffield
    THE SHADOW KNOWS | The Coasters
    VOODOO VOODOO | LaVern Baker
    THE WHISTLER | Muzzy Marcellino


    PSYCHOS AND VILLAINS

    FU MANCHU | Desmond Dekker
    THE RUBBER ROOM | Porter Wagoner
    SONG FROM SPIDER BABY | Lon Chaney Jr.


    VAMPIRES

    DINNER WITH DRAC | Zacherle
    DRAC'S BACK | The Bollock Brothers
    DRACULA'S DAUGHTER | Screaming Lord Sutch
    SOUL DRACULA | Hot Blood


    WITCHES AND PAGANS

    BABA YAGA | The Pagans
    MAYPOLE SONG | Paul Giovanni


    GHOUL SAINTS

    RIP Lux Interior

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    PUBLIC DOMAINIA: THE WEIRDEST AND WILDEST FILMS IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN

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    INTRODUCTION: The Internet has become a home for thousands of public domain films; this will be a collection of the most fascinating, horrifying, and bewildering among them.

    THE MYSTERY OF THE LEAPING FISH (1916): Silent film star Douglas Fairbanks stars in this very weird two-reel comedy about a detective who thrives on cocaine.

    MACISTE IN HELL (1925): Italian strongman Maciste is tempted into Dante's Inferno, where he arrives in time for a civil war between demons.

    SVENGALI (1931): John Barrymore plays a strange musician who hypnotizes a young girl to act as his professional slave, and put her to work singing throughout Europe.

    THE MYSTERY OF THE WAX MUSEUM (1933): Bodies are disappearing from morgues as a strange new wax museum prepares to open.

    MANIAC (1934), MARIHUANA (1936) & SEX MADNESS (1939), THREE FILMS BY DWAYN ESPER: The most notorious director of early exploitation movies looks at the worlds of sexual madness, drug addiction, and social diseases.

    THINGS TO COME (1936): A screen adaptation of the Utopian novel by H.G. Wells that looks to the history of London after 20 years of air war, when a time of war lords gives way to a benevolent dictatorship of scientists.

    THE AMAZING MR. X (1948): A fraud psychic finds himself in trouble when a séance seems to bring back an actual, and unexpectedly malevolent, ghost.

    PANIC IN THE STREETS (1950): Richard Widmark and Jack Palance star in this Elia Kazan-directed potboiler about the manhunt for a criminal who has contracted pneumonic plague.

    DEMENTIA aka DAUGHTER OF HORROR (1955): An experimental noir creation, filmed entirely without dialogue, following a murderous prostitute through a bleak cityscape of sexually predatory men.

    THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN (1956): Mexican cowboys in the middle of a range war suddenly find a common enemy: a dinosaur.

    WARNING FROM SPACE (1956): Strange, starfish-like aliens try to warn earth of an impending collision with an asteroid.

    THE CITY OF THE DEAD (1960): A girl's disappearance uncovers a coven of witches living in a hidden New England town.

    MATANGO (1963): Survivors of a shipwreck must fight for their lives on an island of deadly, radioactive mushrooms.

    BLOODY PIT OF HORROR (1965): A group of photographers and models fall prey to a murderous muscle man who is convinced he is the reincarnated spirit of a psychotic monk.

    BLACK SAMURAI (1977): Jim Kelly stars as a superspy who must battle a warlock with an army of dwarfs and Zulus warriors.

    BAD TASTE (1987): Peter Jackson's first film, an ultra-low budget gorefest about aliens invading a small New Zealand town.

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    BUNNY'S GARDEN OF VERSES

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    THE JET PACK TOUR

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    JOIN MAX "BUNNY" SPARBER and his small personal jet pack as he goes on a tour of various fascinating locations around America and, eventually, the world. There is no better way to be a tourist than by gently floating by the world's many treasures and mysteries.

    See a demonstration of the Jet Pack!

    MINNEAPOLIS AND ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA

    Dave's Popcorn, Minneapolis
    Pavek Museum, St. Louis Park
    Porky's, St. Paul

    OTHER MINNESOTA

    Cottage View Drive-In, Cottage Grove
    Dala Horse, Mora
    Paul Bunyan and Friends, Bemidji
    Tunnel under Highway 169, Belle Plaine
    Roto-Sphere and Happy Chef, Mankato
    Jolly Green Giant Statue, Blue Earth
    A&W, Faribault
    Lark Toys, Kellogg

    OMAHA, NEBRASKA

    Three restuarants

    SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA

    Chinatown
    City Lights Bookstore
    Golden Gate Bridge
    Haight-Ashbury
    Pixar Studios

    WISCONSIN

    Pizza Farm and Lake Pepin
    World's largest bicycle at Sparta

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    KING PIRATE

    12:29 AM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses


    MAX "BUNNY" SPARBER offers his comprehensive reviews of pirate films.

    CAPTAIN BLOOD (1935): The film that introduced Errol Flynn as a movie star, telling of an unjustly imprisoned man who breaks free of slavery in the Caribbean to become the captain of a pirate ship.

    CAPTAIN KIDD (1945): Charles Laughton plays a scheming, campy pirate captain seeking his buried treasure.

    TREASURE ISLAND (1950): Disney's first fill-length live-action film featured two fine, and doomed, lead performances.

    PROJECT A (1983): Jackie Chan reinvents himself as a master of physical comedy as he battles pirates in the Chinese high seas.

    TREASURE ISLAND (1990): Seemingly a vanity production for Charleton Heston, who plays Long John Silver, this made for television adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson's book is unexpectedly one of the best.

    CUTTHROAT ISLAND (1995): One of the biggest flops in film history, this tale of a female pirate is not just bad history, but also just a bad film.

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    THE PLAYS OF MAX SPARBER

    12:17 AM Reporter: Max Sparber 0 Responses


    Original plays by Max Sparber, available for download in PDF form, with additional media.

    MAX SPARBER'S RESUME AS A PLAYWRIGHT

    THE PLAYS

    THE SUBSTITUTE BRIDE: Max Sparber revisits Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, telling a story of Alice on her 16th birthday, and the puzzle-like dreamland she finds herself in.

    KISHINEV: Max Sparber tells of a Hasidic woman who leads her community at the time of one of the 20th century's first mass uprisings against the Jews.

    MINSTREL SHOW, OR THE LYNCHING OF WILLIAM BROWN: Max Sparber tells the true story of the murder of a black man in Omaha in 1919 through the eyes of two blackface itinerant African American performers.

    BOYELROY: Max Sparber writes a series of monologues satirizing television cartoon characters.

    CRUELTIES: Inspired by the life of Truman Capote, Max Sparber tells a story, in reverse chronological order, of the artistic and personal collapse of a writer after his authorship of a book based on a horrific crime.

    CHELSEA (FROM A TO B AND BACK AGAIN): Max Sparber creates a fiction inspired by the life of Andy Warhol, telling of two periods in the life of an artist, and his disastrous attempt to make a short film.

    THE OLDER GENTLEMAN: Max Sparber writes a coming of age story of a young man in rural Nebraska in the 1960s, and his relationship with a flamboyantly gay vocal coach.

    BUDDY BENTLEY: Max Sparber writes a bleak satire of the Golden Age of Hollywood and the deteriorating relationship of two brothers, one neurotic and addicted to pills, the other a psychotic former child star.

    MAD ABOUT THE BOY: Max Sparber writes a lip-synced Christmas musical based on a series of gay themed novelty records from the Sixties.

    TWO GROUPIES: Max Sparber tells the story of the sexual coming of age of two young women in Baltimore in the early Sixties, and the series of liaisons they have with British bands as they tour America.

    TULIP: A one-man play about performer Tiny Tim at the end of his life, recording a series of audio letters to his fans while heart disease confines him to his house.

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