Max "Bunny" Sparber

15 NIGHTTIME CONVERSATIONS with women I have slept with in the past two weeks

I.
Me: God, we totally just did it.
Her: I'm already regretting it.
Me: Why?
Her: Because you're transcribing everything I say.

II.
Me: So, I've never slept with a black chick before.
Her: I'm not black.
Me: I know. I'm wondering if you know any black chicks you could hook me up with?

III.
Me: I hope you don't think I'm using you.
Her: Why would I think that?
Me: Because I stole your credit card.

IV.
Me: So I thought we might get a little kinky tonight.
Her: Yes?
Me: I got masks.
Her: Okay.
Me: And these leather outfits.
Her: Those are kinky!
Me: And this shotgun.
Her: Where are you going with this?
Me: Also, the landlord is tied up in the bathroom.
Her: Okay, I'm not comfortable with this.
Me: Square.

V.
Me: I love to do it with the blinds drawn and the windows open.
Her: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, I love for people to see us when I do you.
Her: You're a bit of an exhibitionist, huh?
Me: No. They pay me to watch.

VI.
Me: You're the prettiest girl I've ever slept with.
Her: Thank you!
Me: Wait. I'm sorry. I just remembered something. You're not the prettiest. But you're in the top five.

VII.
Me: How many lovers have you had?
Her: Do you really want to know?
Me: Yes.
Her: 60.
Me: Really?
Her: Does that seem like a lot?
Me: Not if you're a prostitute.
Her: What? Jesus! Maybe I should go.
Me: Maybe you should.
Her: But you're still going to have to pay me $50 for my time.

VIII.
Her: I don't know if I would have done this if it wasn't for all the coke.
Me: That's not very nice.
Her: Well, coke makes me say things that aren't very nice.
Me: But it also makes you horny?
Her: Yes.
Me: Well, I can live with it then.
Her: Also, I can't believe how ugly you are.
Me: But you want to screw?
Her: Yes. Go ahead and sex me up, ugly.

IX.
Her: I want you to meet my parents?
Me: Even though we're just having a one-night stand?
Her: Yes.
Me: Why?
Her: So they can see what I might wind up dating if I didn't end it after one night.

X.
Me: How do you feel about three-ways?
Her: Naughty! Who do you have in mind?
Me: Me, and two chicks who aren't you.

XI.
Her: Have you been in the bathroom using cocaine?
Me: Why would you ask that?
Her: Because you were in there shouting "I'm in the bathroom using cocaine!"

XII.
Me: Now that I have seen you naked, I worry you might be bulimic.
Her: But you asked for a bulimic in your personals ad.
Me: Oh! That's right!

XIII.
Her: What did you just write down?
Me: I jotted down what we just said. I thought it was funny.
Her: But I was telling you how my dad beat me.
Me: So?
Her: Well, that doesn't seem very funny
Me: Don't worry. When I put it on my blog, I'll toss in a few jokes.

XIV.
Me: Someone called me an asshole in the street today.
Her: Was it someone you knew?
Me: No! I total stranger.
Her: Well, they must have heard about it from someone.

XV.
Me: I feel like I keep going from one girl to another, and there's nothing to these relationships but tawdry sex and cruel banter.
Her: And you want something different?
Me: No. I was just bragging.

Read more of I'm Just a Bad Boy, a Fake Memoir.